I found this online after following a link to a different post by the same person:

"there is a sweet spot in query word count between 250 and 350 words. Anything shorter than 250 usually (but not always) seems too short and anything longer than 350 usually (but not always) seems too long."

Flash fiction writers should be able to fully understand the length (and depth) of this size of a query.

I read more of his blog and found this:

"Tight, concise three sentence opening paragraph. Tells me the plot, genre, and leaves me wanting more."

The link above is to a query letter he pounced on right away. It's different than I'm used to, with a one-liner, one sentences asking a question, then one more link explaining the word count, genre, and basis of the book.

I followed a few more links and see that he, in particular, likes queries that have this format in there:

My XXX,000 word {type of} novel, TITLE, explores or follows {what}.

He also says this:

"A good flow is perhaps the most important aspect of any good query. Whenever I come across an awkward turn of phrase (like "I've written a 100,000 word historical fiction.") or extended passive voice ("the main character was betrayed and has decided to not be a sucker anymore"), or if there's a poor word choice where it's clear it's not a typo, 99% of the time I reach for the rejection button. Professional writers just don't make mistakes like this -- the sentences wouldn't look right to them."

He also wants the quest and the conflict clearly stated.

And this:

"Then in the third paragraph she brings it home by giving a nice sense of the themes. At this point I wouldn't even have needed the writerly qualifications in the fourth paragraph"

But I am concerned by his liking people who mention his blog. I research agents carefully, and will certainly read their blogs, but to me it sounds like fawning.

And since I'm already there and reading it, let me continue with the Query Letter Mad Lib:

First I'm going to need these things:

[Agent name], [genre], [personalized tidbit about agent], [title], [word count], [protagonist name], [description of protagonist], [setting], [complicating incident], [verb], [villain], [protagonist's quest], [protagonist's goal], [author's credits (optional)], [your name]

Again with the "personalized tidbit." Huh. I thought these were out of date?

He goes on to say:

"if you can't fill this mad lib out in two seconds and craft a pretty decent query letter, something might be wrong with your novel.

These are the ingredients that absolutely positively completely totally must be in your query -- if they are not, something is wrong."

Meanwhile, here are things to leave out of a query letter

I thought this stuff was useful, and you can follow all of the links to read everything for yourselves...

Jenn

I got a weird (or so I thought) comment on my query letter. My personal paragraph goes:

I've been writing professionally for five years. My publishing credits include several short story publications in such venues as EOTU Magazine, The Writer’s Ezine, Dead in Thirteen Flashes Anthology, Beyond Centauri, and Flashshot. I am currently an active member of The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy, and Horror.

Someone said this:

I was a little surprised that since you have publishing credits you'd list the OWW in your query letter. That spoke to me against your publishing credits.

So, if you have publishing credits, do you mention your workshop affiliations, or not? I think OWW makes me the writer that I am, and I'm proud to be a member. I also think you can't work in the SFF/Horror fields and not have heard of OWW. But does mentioning the workshop indicate a lack of real life writing experience, and/or somehow negate the publishing credits?

Thoughts?

Jenn

The Proposal Package Focus Group starts tomorrow, Monday June 9th at 8am EST at http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com/tiki/tiki-forums.php

I've just posted mine as an example, and there are three informational posts up as well. The Welcome post has all the information you should need on formatting, posting, and reviewing.

Have no idea what I'm talking about? Here's the blurb from the June OWW Newsletter:

Proposal Package Focus Group: From June 9th through June 30th, members will be able to post a query letter, synopsis and first three chapters as one package for critique by a focus group. The group will be led by long-time member Jennifer Dawson. Given the high word count, reviewers of these proposals will not do line nits, but instead give general feedback regarding plot hook, the quality of the writing sample, the likeability of the characters, etc. This event will be held on the discussion forum of OWW's Writer Space wiki, where the word count doesn't matter and the replies are easy to post and easy to read. It's just as password-protected as the workshop, but these posts do not affect your OWW submissions or review points. It's a more relaxed environment and the perfect place to hold such an event. So get those proposal packages ready! Visit OWW's Writer Space wiki if you haven't already (login and password are the same as on the workshop, but case-sensitive...the workshop's are not). The fun will begin on Monday, June 9th. If you'd like more information, contact Jennifer at: jenn001 (at) mac.com

The more participation, the more fun, so whether your book is in circulation or you're still on the first draft, join the focus group to get some feedback on your proposal package(s), see what others are doing, and offer up your feedback to other writers trying to get their books published.

Hope to see you there!

Jennifer

Query Shark has given this nice advice recently:

""fiction novel" is an instant rejection no matter what. It seems like a small stupid thing doesn't it? Well, words are your tools (I've said this before) and I look for writers who know without even thinking about it that fiction and novel are redundant. You can certainly write it, but you'd damn sure better edit it OUT of your query letter."

AND

"A query letter is enticing. Vivid is good. Compelling is good."

AND

"The characters you mention first should be the most important ones."

AND

"Every single word in a query letter matters. Use the most specific, vivid word you can every single time."

Just thought I'd share:)

Jenn

How unique must the idea of something be for it to sell?

I ask this not because of my own book, but because of some links I've visited regarding query letters. Urban fantasy with vampires, werebeasts and magic seem to be big right now, and I must have seen six different "successful" queries where I asked myself, "What's new about that?"

I've read three urban fantasy novels with vampires, werebeasts and magic, two published, one a novel I was critting. They all had something unique in them, but the main ideas were almost identical. Female half-breed uses her magic to catch supernatural killers in a world with magic, vampires, and werebeasts. So when does the uniqueness hit? Isn't it the writing? Or some minor difference that keeps it interesting?

I also love Mercedes Lackey and she's making a fortune rewriting fairy tales. The stories aren't necessarily new, but her writing makes them come alive.

So what is it that gets the deed done? What takes something not unique and gets it sold?

I have no freaking idea, but I'd love to. The overall premise of my book isn't exactly unique, but it's not overdone, it's not a rewrite of something else, and because I read the genre ravenously, I can honestly say that it's unique. But I can't point out exactly what makes it unique. I've been told my style of writing is impressive, but if writing alone got the deed done I'd just rewrite... hmmm. I've just drawn a blank. Do you know I can't recall one fantasy movie with a magical female lead? WTF! There are many novels popping to mind, but no movies. Why is that? Why do men rule the leading roles in sword and sorcery movies?

Anyways, point is, the writing alone won't do it, but the marketing can. So I've got to narrow this thing down enough to market it properly. It IS unique, but I can't put my finger on the why.

I know, I know, but I'm using this for my synopsis class, too, so I took my short version of the hook and revised it to make Arienne the main focus:

Arienne Deltares inherited two things from her late mother: the blood that puts her in line for the throne, and the magic she has yet to master. A neighboring ruler hires magical assassins to eliminate Arienne and her little sister while they are young and untrained, before they can interfere with his plans. When the first assassin appears out of thin air to kill the sisters, their father arranges protection for them in the secluded city of Mandora. With assassins following them all the way, reaching safety seems impossible. They learn to tap their deep reservoirs of latent magic, but even magic may not be enough to defeat determined assassins.

Still not my favorite hook... still no passion.

I'm going to discuss plot possibilities in my next post, some things I was thinking about on my plane ride home. If I can solidify an engaging, unique plot, I might be able to make this damned book work.

Jenn

So yes, more info on that dreaded query...

This time, the debate on where to start. Jump right in with the pitch/hook/summary thing? or start in like an actual letter and start off with something more formal? Two ways of doing it, maybe no one right way, but which one works for you?

I think starting with an intro seems more professional:

I’m seeking representation for my insert type of novel here novel title, which is finished at # words.

OR here's an old intro of mine:

I am seeking representation for my completed insert type of novel here novel, title. It is the first book of a trilogy. The sequel, title, is nearing completion and the third book is in outline form. The synopsis and first three chapters for all three books are available upon request. The series is an epic fantasy, similar to the works of David B. Coe and Terry Goodkind. Each book stands alone, though the story continues throughout the three novels.

Explaining what type of novel it is, the name, the word count, etc, seems like a nice thing to do. Many of the successful query letters I mentioned in my previous post also started with a nice intro. And those queries sold books.

Query Shark disagrees.

Maybe that's the rub, though. There is no right way, but if the pitch and/or accompanying package grabs their attention, it doesn't matter how you started it.

Grab, grab. Hook, hook. Everything else is invisible.

Jenn

So much has been going on in my life, none of it good. So I've decided to make a few changes. Chopped my hair in the wee hours this morning, after only a few hours of restless sleep. And now I've got what I hope is a positive change in my query letter. We shall see. I think it has more of my style, and reflects my writing in the book. It's longer than I wanted, but I'll worry about that later.

Arienne Deltares is a fiery young woman on the cusp of becoming queen. Generations of Deltares women have enforced peace with a firm hand and powerful magic, but Arienne’s mother mysteriously died ten years ago. Peace has deteriorated since her death and those with magic started living in the shadows. With training, Arienne could be more powerful than her mother and Crowned Prince Domen Rhoen knows it. He sees Arienne’s potential as a threat to his plans to build an empire and hires a cabal or wizards to kill Arienne and her sister Vienna before either girl can assume the throne. He already has people inside the royal palace; the sisters are well guarded but their own staff betrays them.Their own hom is no longer safe and Arienne doesn’t know who to trust.

Where else can she turn except tot he school of magic in Mandora, whose protections kill unwelcome visitors. However, her father is against her going; the school is a long way from the palace and he hates Mandora's devious, self-absorbed ways. They’ve wanted to get their hands on Arienne and Vienna since they were toddlers, something their mother swore would never happen. As danger closes in around them, fleeing becomes their only option. With trained killers hounding them all the way, reaching safety seems impossible.


For those of you who have seen a hundred drafts of this pitch and are sick of it, I apologize and feel free to skip it. For those who have the time and don't completely hate me yet, some feedback would be great. I'd like to compare it to the previous two versions I like, as well:

Version 2: Arienne Deltares inherited two things from her late mother: the blood that puts her in line for the throne, and the magic she has yet to master. But her mother mysteriously died before completing Arienne's training and now no magical queen exists to enforce peace throughout the world. Thinking the royal family of Elcara weakened, a neighboring ruler hires magical assassins to eliminate Arienne and her little sister while they are young and untrained, before they can interfere with his plans to create an empire. His agents have already infiltrated the royal palace.

Where can the sisters turn except to the magical school in Mandora, the only safe haven and Arienne's sole chance to complete her training. However, her father is against her going; the school is a long way from the palace and he hates Mandora's devious, self-absorbed ways. Their mother refused to send her daughters there for magical training, frustrated by their teaching methods and closed-mindedness. They cannot ignore the danger, though, and if they can make it to the secluded city, Mandora’s magic will keep assassins at bay. With spells altering their faces, Arienne and her sister Vienna don uniforms and slip out of the city amid a small contingent of guards. The sorceress hunting them down sees through the disguise and pursues them. With hired killers following them all the way, reaching safety seems impossible.

Version 3: Arienne and Vienna Deltares inherited two things from their late mother: the blood that puts them in line for the throne, and the magic neither has mastered. A neighboring ruler hires magical assassins to eliminate the girls while they are young and untrained, before they can interfere with his plans. When the first assassin appears out of thin air to kill the sisters, their father arranges protection for them in the secluded city of Mandora. With assassins following them all the way, reaching safety seems impossible. They learn to tap their deep reservoirs of latent magic, but even magic may not be enough to defeat determined assassins.

The third version may need tweaking to cut Vienna into the background, but it's the highly polished, short and sweet version without any umph. I would consider using it for times when I can add the synopsis and/or first three chapters so the agent/editor can see the real flair of my writing in the attachments, thus allowing the query o be shorter and more direct, which is what some people seem to prefer.

So I suppose this is really a vote between the newest version and Version 2. Any thoughts appreciated, even if you haven't read any of my previous queries (even better, actually!) and/or you don't know squat about writing.

It's about time to just pick a version and run with it, but I'd like to know if it's doomed to failure or if there's some hope.

Meanwhile my escape vacation this weekend is in jeopardy and I'm fretting the final decision - to go despite the complications, or give up and sulk. We shall see.

Jenn

Oddly enough a query discussion started on OWW's writing yahoo group and it wasn't me who started it. But I sure had alot of interest in it. Someone pointed out another useful blog (and I always thought these blog things were self-indulgent loads of crap!) where authors posted their queries. Most of those ended up getting the books published, so I read through them and will impart some advice direct from the sources (with links, of course) that I found useful:

I've always wondered how you did an interesting bio. Here's one that knocked my socks off: "As a precocious only child, my hobbies were reading, spying on adults and collecting disturbing anecdotes, which I turned into short stories for my mother to worry about. I'm a fan of both horror and comedy, and that amalgam is reflected in my work. Because my psychotherapy day job is nowhere near as interesting as the daydreams boring clients can produce, I've put down the pad and taken up the laptop, again." Mark Henry.

Caitlin Kittredge had this advice: " I left off the introductory "I found you on X" line because unless you have a direct referral or met at a conference I found it isn't really necessary. Agents know they're on AgentQuery, in Jeff Herman's, and on their own web sites. Unless you've got a wacky reason for why you think the book would be a good fit, it's unnecessary and leaving it out saves space for your pitch. Keep it short, sweet and punchy is the best advice I can give. One page, proper salutation, no spelling errors (especially names, people...look it up before you hit SEND), make the agent the correct gender and submit to agents who rep your genre, and you'll be ahead of the game."

Kristopher Reisz learned this while working the slush pile: "Short and professional stood out more than any gimmick."

R.J. Anderson had this advice: Set up a clean, professional-looking website with the first two or three chapters of your novel on it. Discreetly include the link in your signature when querying editors and agents, posting to writers' forums, etc. They may not choose to look at it, but if they do, you might be able to skip the partial stage and go straight to a request for a full. Don't be afraid to do revisions on spec. Even if you don't end up working with that particular editor, odds are that those revisions will strengthen the book for submitting to other editors and agents. Don't turn down free professional criticism! And do take revision requests as an encouragement -- editors are too busy to waste time writing up detailed suggestions for improving your book unless they think it has serious potential.
Whatever you do, don't be rude to editors and agents who turn you down. Deal with them politely and professionally. You don't have to grovel, or even agree with their criticisms, but at least you can thank them for looking at your manuscript. And if they should offer to refer you to another agent or editor, jump at it!"

Jeaniene Frost posted some agent feedback on hers from Rachel Vater: "I don’t need a long query to see that she’s got a clever way with words, a protagonist with a cool background and an intriguing goal. I have to admit, the short query looks ultra-confident to me. It allows the work to speak for itself. But I like the brief character sketch plus main goal plus main obstacle approach. Short and sweet." and this was Jeaniene's additional thoughts: "So again, if query letters are kicking your a$$ but you feel like your opening scene could be enough to get you a request for a full, sometimes a really short query plus sample pages is all you need. I'm proof of that. Of course, don't send sample pages unless the agent's submission guidelines allow you to, and ONLY send the number of pages those guidelines show. Following directions should be Query Rule #1 for all writers."

Something to be learned from all of these, but I still find that no matter how many successful or unsuccessful queries you read, there's no easy way to translate that into your own query. Because, obviously, if you could quote a successful query word for word, your book isn't original and neither is your background.

Jenn


BTW, I took some advice last night, stepped away from my computer, grabbed an old fashioned pen and paper, and drafted a query based on this suggestion: Write the first query as passionately and unencumbered as you feel.

I'll post it as soon as I type it up...

These are still pretty long, and the only difference between them is the first two lines. I'm incorporating some things from comments by my two great friends, Patty and Crash. The only thing I don't like about these versions is that there's no mention of the two assassination attempts that make the king desperate to send his daughters away. Is it necessary?

Version 1: Arienne Deltares inherited two things from her late mother: the blood that puts her in line for the throne, and the magic she has yet to master. But her mother mysteriously died before completing Arienne's training and now no magical queen exists to enforce peace throughout the world. Thinking the royal family of Elcara weakened, a neighboring ruler hires magical assassins to eliminate Arienne and her little sister while they are young and untrained, before they can interfere with his plans to create an empire. His agents have already infiltrated the royal palace.

Where can the sisters turn except to the magical school in Mandora, the only safe haven and Arienne's sole chance to complete her training. However, her father is against her going; the school is a long way from the palace and he hates Mandora's devious, self-absorbed ways. Their mother refused to send her daughters there for magical training, frustrated by their teaching methods and closed-mindedness. They cannot ignore the danger, though, and if they can make it to the secluded city, Mandora’s magic will keep assassins at bay. With spells altering their faces, Arienne and her sister Vienna don uniforms and slip out of the city amid a small contingent of guards. The sorceress hunting them down sees through the disguise and pursues them. With hired killers following them all the way, reaching safety seems impossible.


Version 2: As heir to the throne of Elcara, the task of using her magic to maintain peace throughout the world will soon fall on Arienne's shoulders. But her mother mysteriously died before completing Arienne's training. Thinking the royal family of Elcara weakened, a neighboring ruler hires magical assassins to eliminate Arienne and her little sister while they are young and untrained, before they can interfere with his plans to create an empire. His agents have already infiltrated the royal palace.

Where can the sisters turn except to the magical school in Mandora, the only safe haven and Arienne's sole chance to complete her training. However, her father is against her going; the school is a long way from the palace and he hates Mandora's devious, self-absorbed ways. Their mother refused to send her daughters there for magical training, frustrated by their teaching methods and closed-mindedness. They cannot ignore the danger, though, and if they can make it to the secluded city, Mandora’s magic will keep assassins at bay. With spells altering their faces, Arienne and Vienna don uniforms and slip out of the city amid a small contingent of guards. The sorceress hunting them down sees through the disguise and pursues them. With hired killers following them all the way, reaching safety seems impossible.


I'm also still not sure about the mention of mom not sending them there for training, but it's more of a reason than the dad being mistrusting, honestly. His wife's refusal to send the girls there sparked his distrust. Should it still be cut?

Anywho, I at least feel I'm going in a new direction, instead of running in circles. Thanks Patty for giving me some new direction. I'm no longer chasing my tail...

Jenn

One of my favorite published authors, and a friend of a friend dropped by one of my older posts on queries to take a look and give her feedback. Here's what she said:

Query raises questions. AND Make it vivid. Show why your protagonist is special. Show why they are a hero. And cram as much cool crap into that hook as you can, raising questions but not answering them, so the agent will look at it and say, "Hey. I wonder what sort of story this is."

So, make it vivid. Show why the protag is special. Cram cool crap into it. Raise unanswered questions.

Can I do that?

I'm sure as hell going to try:)

Here's another draft. It's longer, yes, but does it have more cool crap, unanswered questions, and show why the heirs are special?

Arienne and Vienna Deltares inherited two things from their late mother: the blood that puts them in line for the throne, and the magic neither has mastered. Their mother refused to send her daughters to Mandora for magical training, frustrated by their teaching methods and closed-mindedness. She decides to train her daughters herself, but fails to do so before her death. Generations of Deltares queens used magic to enforce peace throughout the world, and their mother’s mysterious death has allowed seeds of unrest to flourish. A neighboring ruler hires magical assassins to eliminate the girls while they are young and untrained, before they can interfere with his plans.

After a sphere of light discharges the first assassin to kill the sisters, Mandora offers protection. Mandora’s death trap kills anyone entering the city without permission; if they can make it to the secluded city, magic will keep assassins at bay. With spells altering their faces, Arienne and Vienna slip out of the city amid a small contingent of guards. The sorceress in charge of hunting them down sees through the disguise and pursues them. With hired killers following them all the way, reaching safety seems impossible. They learn to tap their deep reservoirs of latent magic, but even that may not be enough to defeat determined hunters.


Fire away...

Jenn

So Ms. Query Shark just took offense to a line many people use in their queries:

I look forward to hearing from you soon is one of those phrases I personally loathe. It doesn't matter, I just don't like the idea of you telling me when to answer my query letters.

Ho hum. It's on mine. So I chopped "soon."

So far the successful endings seem to be:

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I would love to send you the completed manuscript. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you for your consideration.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

More advice?

Start with the character. Tell us what she does. Talk about what's at stake.

So that's what I "learned" today about queries.

Jenn

A bit more passion, alot more words. I took a completely different approach to this one.

Does it have potential?

Arienne is a headstrong, fiery woman hiding behind a façade of coldness and propriety out of misplaced duty. She inherited two things from her late mother: the blood that puts her next in line for the throne, and the magic she has yet to master. Constantly reminded of her position as heir, Arienne is isolated from the world and has only her little sister, Vienna, for companionship. She longs for freedom to explore her magic and develop relationships outside her family; most of all, she wants live up to her mother’s memory.

When a neighboring ruler hires mercenaries to eliminate Arienne and her sister while they are young and untrained, Arienne’s life truly begins. She overcomes the first assassination attempt by using magic openly for the first time, and discovers one of her father’s guards also has magic. He intrigues her enough to let down her façade and a connection is forged between them. When a royal maid attacks Arienne days later, her father arranges protection for his two daughters in the secluded city of Mandora. Vienna sees it as an adventure, but Arienne knows they might not reach safety before more hired killers find them. The sisters work together to tap their deep reservoirs of latent magic, but even that may not be enough to defeat determined hunters.


It's a bit rough, I know, but I'd like to know if I'm on the right path.

Jenn

It never ends... now that I have my query letter polished to perfection (don't laugh!) I read more about queries and realize my query letter lacks one thing, one important bit that is a must for query letters. So what did I forget to do?

"Convey the author’s creativity, enthusiasm, and passion for the project."

Um, yeah. What she said.

Where IS the passion and how do you convey it it a summary paragraph and a paragraph about yourself?

I have no freaking idea, but as I read through my polished query letter, I imagine that boring actor who always plays a science teacher with the monotone voice reading it. There IS no passion. And considering how freaking passionate about this book I am, there's something wrong. Blood, sweat and tears went into this book. Hell, it went into this query. So how do I show that?

I plan to work on that when I'm less tired and cranky and more focused. But I'm a passionate person so I should be able to convey that, right?

Here's another query link, too. Liked it alot.

Jenn

First off, a look at Queries that Sold:

Check this out - It's an agent's blog and she posted some of the query letters that grabbed her attention - and representation!

Now, the thing that caught my eye with this one is that it looks like the author started out with the general info, did the summary, then did a one-liner summary to roll into her credits. I liked this. Alot.

Reading the query letters before this one (scroll down and she has them all posted on the right-hand menu bar - along with a bunch of other stuff) it seems the ones she posted all have lengthy summaries. Ho hum!

So, does short and sweet (what I've always done) work best or the in-depth, longer ones? Afterall, maybe she just didn't post the shorter ones she accepted, or maybe she hasn't accepted any shorter ones based on the chapters/synopsis/ms?

Something I'd *love* to ask...

Another few interesting tidbits? She seems to like it when people say "I think this might interest you" as opposed to Query Shark who says let the agent decide what interests them. Guess it's a lose/lose situation whether you do the research and mention it, or not.

Also, she seems to like flattery. IE "I read your blog" or "the dedication and positive attitude obvious in every post." Gag me. I couldn't write anything like that and the fact that she likes it bothers me. Query Shark would probably toss it out the window unread. Again, maybe some research would show whether or not such flattery would work in your favor or not. Still, it's frustrating that one things does not apply to all.

And something else, this agent likes to smile. Making her smile seems to also grab her attention.

Another thing: She mentions that another agent passed on one of the queries she accepted because the other agent was in a time crunch. She says that maybe if he'd had time to go through it more slowly, he wouldn't have passed on it. So another thing we can't control is how busy the agent is, which may affect whether or not something is accepted, and not because they are too busy for new authors, but because they rush through the queries and reject some great ideas just because they couldn't give the query their full attention.

I must say I learned alot by these query posts, more, in fact, than I did by reading the rejected queries by Query Shark. Seeing what people like and why seems to be more helpful to me. Which is why I'm posting this.

I'm going to start hunting down more agents and see if any others post accepted queries. I'm also going to see if I can find published authors who post their successful queries.

An OWW writer started a synopsis post similar to this, posting the synopses that sold novels, but without these successful query letters, the synopsis isn't going to do an author any good. Or will it?

Anyways, I learned alot, thanks to Patty's link to this agent's blog.

Jenn

Yes, I'm using the same starting line. I like it. Alot. And I haven't liked any of the suggestions for a better one.

Anyways, here goes:

Arienne and Vienna Deltares inherited two things from their late mother: the blood that puts them in line for the throne, and the magic neither has mastered. A neighboring ruler hires magical assassins to eliminate the girls while they are young and untrained, before they can interfere with his plans. When the first assassin appears out of thin air to kill the sisters, their father arranges protection for them in the secluded city of Mandora. With assassins following them all the way, reaching safety seems impossible. They learn to tap their deep reservoirs of latent magic, but even magic may not be enough to defeat determined assassins.

I just realize both the last line and the next-to-last line use "assassins" so I'd like to fix that.

Thoughts?

Am I going round in circles?

In other news, all the replies to my post about the beginning of a book matched my own thoughts, so I'm not going to worry about it. I may tighten the chapters up after I get the feedback back from those who offered to look at them, but no major changes will ensue before June.

Time to move on, after I get a decent draft of the query hook.

In the meantime, I'm going to go watch the rest of 24: Season 1 and await company. Yep! A friend is coming over this afternoon with her baby boy:) Adult, face-to-face interaction!!! Hurray!

Jenn

Yes, I'm still working on this, as hopeless as it might be. No, I'm not going to change the book right now. The second book may or may not be more interesting, but even it will have its day. Right now I just want to say I did what I could for this book, as is, to sell it. That means a query letter.

So here's another attempt. The good news is it isn't anything like my first query letter that made rounds about three years ago. the bad news is I've changed so much I feel a bit lost. hence the earlier posts.

Arienne and Vienna Deltares inherited two things from their late mother: the blood that puts them in line for the throne, and the magic neither has mastered. Both inheritances together will make them powerful young women. Still, it comes as a shock when an assassin appears out of thin air to kill them. Their father arranges protection for them in the secluded city of Mandora, where the girls can not only be hidden, but also learn to tap their deep reservoirs of latent magic.

The sisters slip out of the city and head for the nearest portal to Mandora. Along the way Arienne has a vision of armed men pouring out of the darkness to torture and kill their group. Determined to avoid that fate, they flee, looking over their shoulders as they grasp for answers about their situation. They cannot outrun the inevitable, though, and a confrontation looms. They learn to use their magic to defend themselves, but even that may not be enough to defeat determined assassins.

... hopefully this one has the hook!

Arienne and Vienna Deltares inherited two things from their late mother: the blood that puts them in line for the throne, and the magic neither has mastered. Either inheritance makes them powerful young women, but together, they become a threat to a neighboring ruler. Only a strong queen with magic could interfere with his plans to increase his country’s land and power. He hires a group a magical assassins to eliminate Arienne and Vienna before either one can assume the throne.

The sisters slip out of the city and head for the nearest portal to safety. Along the way they expand their understanding of their own unique gifts, and grasp for answers about their situation. The Mother of Light and Life gave the gift of magic to her people. As the Mother has two aspects, so does her magic. Light and Life, intrinsic magic calls upon Light while oral magic calls upon Life. The connection between both sides of magic has been lost over time as people forsook the ability to cast spells. Until the sisters understand that connection, they cannot master their magic. Even that may not be enough to defeat determined assassins.

So in answer to the "why do I want to read this?"

I'd say, to see if the sisters can make the connection, master their magic, and defeat determined assassins. Or to put it in fewer words: To see if they live.

How does this work?

Jenn

How's this looking? (I threw in "Tackling Magic" as the title just for now)

Arienne and Vienna Deltares inherited two things from their late mother: the blood that puts them in line for the throne, and the magic neither has mastered. Both girls hold deep reservoirs of latent magic and a treasure trove of information waiting to be tapped. Either inheritance makes them powerful young women, but together, they become a threat to a neighboring ruler. He hires a group a magical assassins to eliminate Arienne and Vienna before they can tackle their magic or assume the throne. Though the first assassination attempt fails, the sisters slip out of the city and head for the nearest portal to safety. Along the way they expand their understanding of their own unique gifts, and grasp for answers about their situation.

Tackling Magic is complete at 118,000 words. I've been writing professionally for five years. My publishing credits include several short story publications in such venues as EOTU Magazine, The Writer’s Ezine, and Flashshot. I am currently an active member of The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy, and horror.

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.


If Ms Snarky Shark thought #9 was a model of brevity, what's this? Too short?

She said once: First, a query letter is not the place for a synopsis, brief or not. You want a hook here. A hook answers the question "why do I want to read this?"

So I don't want to add more and make it feel like a synopsis. What's my hook?

"why do I want to read this?"

In #9's query, I'd say it's because I want to see if Casey can prevent history's most notorious maritime accident.

Nothing in my query answers the question. Sh*@! Any suggestions??

Jenn

Unlike most fantasy novels, magic isn’t the driving force behind Finding the Balance; it’s the spice. It enriches the story, but it is the characters that will have readers captivated until the last page.

Arienne and Vienna Deltares inherited two things from their late mother: the blood that puts them in line for the throne, and the magic neither has mastered. Either inheritance makes them powerful young women, but together, they become a threat. Adaire Klinesh has been hired to eliminate them both, not for what they’ve done, but for what they will become. Though the first assassination attempt fails, the sisters find themselves chased halfway across the world searching for safety. Along the way they expand their understanding of their own unique gifts, and grasp for answers about their situation. Their growing maturity as events unfold around them is the core of this character-driven novel.

Finding the Balance is complete at 118,000 words. I've been writing professionally for five years. My publishing credits include several short story publications in such venues as EOTU Magazine, The Writer’s Ezine, and Flashshot. I am currently an active member of The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy, and horror, where Finding the Balance has been privately critiqued, receiving favorable comments.

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Jennifer Dawson

Fire away...